So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
