i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
