I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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