The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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