hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
