Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
