I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
