Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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