i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize