never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The feeling are messing with the penis
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
