So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
