yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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