Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
