Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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