just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
