i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
