K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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