Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
