sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Barsexuality is the new black.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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