i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
