He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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