someone threw a dead crab at me
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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