That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
