areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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