My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
