Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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