I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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