I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
