I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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