i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
