i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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