you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
