Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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