Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
