If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
