I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
