i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
