remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
