I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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