I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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