i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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