For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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