oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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