dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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