Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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