im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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