Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
