I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
