No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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