Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
