what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
