Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
