Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
