she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
