1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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